Ever so often I get an influx of friend requests that have me questioning my online activity because “Whose mans is these?” (written like that on purpose).
It’s not really the requests that bother me, it’s just the type of people that come attached to it. I hardly ever get a friend request that doesn’t also come with unsolicited messages. Can’t you just add me quietly?
The dust doesn’t even settle on the acceptance before I get that “Hi,” or “Thanks for the add” message. Jesus be a block button, why are you here? Why are you thanking me? And I know it isn’t just to be nice because I’m almost 100 percent certain you don’t also add guys and go in their inbox.
Yall are the street salesmen of Facebook. Yall are the religious cults of Facebook. Knocking on my inbox going “Hi, do you have a moment for my bullshit? Can I talk to you about my good lord and saviour Fuhkboyahseh?”
Which is why I’m writing this today to teach you, and probably some women out there (because this is an equal opportunity shade page), how to avoid being a creep and practice proper Facebook etiquette.
For starters. YOU DON’T HAVE TO THANK ME FOR THE ADD. Why are you doing that? Cease. Desist. Ask yourself if this is necessary.
Next, your approach matters. We (me) are tired of “Hi beautiful.” Thank you, but lord that is so awkward. I’m not about to say hi handsome so why even start like that? Also “Hi” is also going to have you left on read.
Picture this. Imagine you’re meeting me in real life. Are you just going to randomly walk to me and say “Hi” then just stand there and wait? That doesn’t look creepy to you? Get to the point of why you are approaching me so I can decide whether to engage in conversation or ignore you. I need to know these things.
Speaking of conversation, if your entire basis of approaching me is to somehow maneuver your way into a relationship, at least know how to speak. Don’t saunter into my inbox and after I give you a dissertation about my day and the collapse of our government, you just tell me “that’s dope, I’m just chilling.” I didn’t waste my unlimited characters for your mediocre response. Go take a communication course then come back at me. My 4-year-old holds better conversations than most of these grown-ass adults.
I’m dead inside so it applies
I beg of you, at least glimpse through my profile before you hop in my inbox. Don’t look at the profile picture alone and make a move. I had someone ask me my name once. MY NAME. You’re telling me you didn’t even bother with that much? Oh and if you’re only seen liking my photos and in m inbox I’m gonna need you to go back to whichever woman/man you are hiding from because that’s suspect as hell.
These are just the basics. Read it. Practice it. Stop being a creeper. And most importantly please remember that you are not OBLIGATED to a response from anyone that didn’t ask for your unsolicited message. Stop thinking you’re entitled to a response. Jesus don’t even answer prayers instantly so why thee hell do you think I’m going to?
You know what, as a matter of fact just bye.